Last week things came to a head and I spoke how I felt. I was brutally honest and am not proud of myself for how I have made him feel. Christmas night he chose to return the favour telling me that he does not think we will ever be happy together without the other one of us been unhappy. He is right and I know he is. But what is the step forward from here? I am unsure on whether or not he would like me to leave straight away or whether I should hang about until I find somewhere else i can stay. After all, I left my job, my city to be with him and I cannot just go back with no job, nowhere to live etc.

Christmas has come and gone in a blur. We exchanged presents and smiled in front of families. I have an idea that most of his friends know now what is going on so I assume they will be wanting me out of the house fairly shortly.

Last night he said that we should see how things go. I feel that it may be too late for that.

Meanwhile, the guy who I had sort of met, is not showing any signs that he could be the one that Ive been waiting for to sweep me off my feet. Id like to think he could be, but Ive followed logic/brain senses over feeling/heart too many times now.

There is someone else Ive met. I have tried to not let this effect the relationship that I am in as it seems to be nose diving all by itself. But it is hard and sometimes it takes something like this realise that what you have is not working. The guy I have met has something about him that I really like. At the same time he has something about him that I really do not like. Try as I may, I cannot put my finger on it. Reading this, you may be thinking that I am two timing scum. Maybe you are right. But there is more going on in my head than I will ever be able to put to PC. Besides, I am yet to do anything sexual with the person Ive met apart from a kiss. One thing I do know is that it is so nice to actually find someone sexually attractive again. I have never been in a relationship where the thought of my other half coming near me repulses me.

Im ashamed to admit that Ive thought of the things I could do to this other person in the bedroom. Quite alot.

If only I was in the position where I could.

I moved away from my home. I now live with my partner around 2 hours drive from where my family and friends live. Around here, I do not know many folk. I moved to escape the hurt of my last relationship. Although I have said in a previous blog that the only person I have ever been able to see myself with for eternity was my first partner, it is my ex that left me with the scars. Scars that are so deep that even now I do not want to go back home no matter what happens with the relationship that I am in. The thought fills me with dreadof going back and facing that life.

It is because I am still in love with my ex. Some days, I feel strong enough that if he came up to me and begged my forgiveness, I would laugh in his face. However, most times I feel I would get on my knees and thank God that he decided to give me another go. I do not feel it on the outside and I do not have to speak to him at all anymore. It was a triumphant milestone when just a few months ago, I managed to delete him from all instant messaging sites that I use. It doesnt stop me from thinking about him still. He hurt me so deep over the years that I was with him that it still hurts to think about it now. I loved and hated him so much at the same time and I suppose, still do.

They say it can take such a long time to heal. Personally, Im still working on it.

I have a single friends and I listen to them as, day after day they tell me how they would love to meet "the one". What the person they fall in love with will look like, act like, the job he will have etc. I smile as people tell me how lucky I am to have met somebody so perfect. I thank people that tell me they wish their relationship was like mine.

If only they knew.

I listen to them knowing that I have never been completely single nor completely happy for more than a month or two. I have gone from one relationship to the next. To the next. Constantly living in hope that the next one will be the one that changes my life but always knowing deep down that this person also wont be "the one". Making sure I aim for the right type of person to cure the scars that the last relationship had caused. At least been single, you can hold on to the hope that you will one day kiss a frog that turns into a prince. In my life, the frogs just keep on coming.

I shy away from kissing my partner. In fact, I shy away from any form of intimate action other than hugging.

I do what my ex did to me. Try anything to avoid lip to lip contact.

Yesterday he tried to have a full blown kiss-a-thon.

It made me feel physically sick.

Not a good sign.

The best way to start this entry is to say that I have had quite a bad history with men. I have been in both a physically abusive relationship and a mentally abusive "relationship". Over the two, I would take a physical beating ten times over to that of the mental torture that my second ever serious partner put me through. The person that I went out with who kicked ten bells out of me once or twice was actually the only person Ive ever been out with that I could see myself with forever. Even today, I sometimes wonder how we would get on if we were to go on a date sometime. I wonder if we would still get on, whether now I am older I would be able to approach the relationship in a more adult manner and not throw my dummy out of the pram every time some obstacle stood in my way.

I am now with somebody now who thinks the world of me. This person is perfect. We met shortly after I split up with my ex who was mentally abusive. This relationship compared to that is one of pure heaven and I know that they worship the ground that I walk on. Lately though I am feeling that it may not be enough. I know it is an awful thing to say but after the last relationship I had, it was a breath of fresh air to have someone who was more than physically attracted to me. I had begun to think that something was wrong with me and it is the person that I am with now that made me realise that I deserve to be happy. However, I cant help but feel that the relationship that I am in should have just been a few dates with somebody nice. I probably took it further because I knew that if I did I would never have to worry about money again having had severe money troubles in the past.

I love him to bits. But am I "in love"?
When I look into this persons eyes do I see somebody I want to spend my whole life with?
Do I get the phwoar factor when I look at him?

That is exactly what Im trying to figure out at the moment.

You know what it is like yourself. You get a blog. You write some random thoughts down. You slowly form a crowd of people reading your blog. Before you know it, you are writing exactly what you *think* that people want to read. You try to make them laugh and play the virtual entertainer. You feel you have let people down if you write something sad. Ive read blogs myself that make me want to physically shake the misery out of people.

I shouldnt think that. After all, this is what blogging is for. A place to come and bare your soul.. your inner most thoughts.. And now that none of you know who I am, that is exactly what I am going to do.